Dog's Honest Truth

TOP TEN
Reasons 

TO NOT 

have an affair with David Letterman

10.  Those bozos from TMZ are now destined to be your very "best buds".
9.    You will wind up testifying before a jury and there won't be anything "Grand" or private about it.
8.    Size AND stamina DO matter; open heart surgery may improve performance, but nothing can really turn back the hands of time.  Be advised: Carpel Tunnel Syndrome and TMJ are debilitating.
7.    Co-workers will quickly grow weary of reminding you to wipe your mouth.
6.    We live in a topsy-turvey world.  You may be subject to elder abuse charges.
5.    He used the word "Hinkey" or is that "Hinky?".  Whatever.
4.    It really pisses his wife off.
3.    It makes his son very sad.
2.    He refers to your affair as a "terrible thing" among other, as yet undisclosed, terrible things.
1.    He refers to HIMSELF as "creepy".

TOP TEN
Reasons 
TO 

have an Affair with David Letterman.

10.  It would make Barbara Walters so proud.
9.    When Dave's not around you can crack the writers up with "saggy ball sack" jokes.
8.    Monica Lewinsky needs partners for her floundering purse business.
7.    Nothing earns your colleagues "respect-like acquiescent deferral" better than stumping the boss.
6.    He's rarely snide or mean when moaning in pleasure.
5.    Madeline Albright just might send you a signed copy of "Read My Pins".
4.    It probably means you don't have to sleep with Leslie Moonves.
3.    All that suffering in middle school wasn't for nothing.  Here's an opportunity to put some of your real life skills to work and finally embrace the teachings of your culture.
2.    Your resume might be thin, but your references are terrific!

1.    A high profile love child could easily replenish your devastated 401K.